What is happiness? A wise young lady just told me “everyone says think of what will make you happy in 5 years. Yet no one says think of what will make you happy right now. Doesn’t take a lot to make you happy right now”. That is so true, not all of us can think of 5 years. I trust God with that, but right now what could you be doing to make you and others happy. You can’t please everyone but a smile, a hug or a shoulder to cry on could go a long way in changing someone else’s life. Don’t be a people pleaser but be a helper to others(you don’t know, you could be entertaining angels). Life is funny, confusing and scary all at the same time. Picking a wife, choosing a career, buying a house all could be scary because if not done right you will regret it. I’m a thinker so I will overthink everything and end up in a funk. Thinking is what I do, trusting is hard to do. But we gotta at the end of the day (I don’t think I should use but to start a sentence but I did). I ain’t talking benefit of the doubt trust, I’m talking deep trust that if broken could open up some deep wounds. Have you ever feared making a mistake that you would end up regretting. I’ve been trusted with so much by a lot people and I wonder why? It’s crazy what if I’m not the person you expect me to be or I change from who I am and end up being the thing you’ve feared all your life. Trusting God should be a no brained but it does get hard. Have you gotten to the place where you ask “I’m helping all these people but who helping me?”. Like I said a trusting God should be a no brainer but sometimes it is a test. He has everything planned out for your good but to get there, go through the highs and lows is crazy but we must. Pick up your cross daily and get with the program. I see life as a beautiful thing, every experience we get is to help out someone else. De omnibus dubitandum (everything should be doubted) is a statement I love but it will kill you if you live by it (shout out to bill Hansen for teaching me that in civilization class). You will live in a constant fear being let down by the ones you hold so highly. Sometimes I feel like taking a break from life but we can’t. We can disappear but don’t expect those around us to wait for us to return, the worst thing we can ask of someone is to put their life on hold as we try to sort out ours.
8/21/2020
It's leviOsa, not levioSA!
Does your heart ache? Do you know what it feels like to constantly look at your phone hoping the person you want to talk to responds? Have you ever felt like you are no longer a priority in a persons life? The pain is real but thoughts are endless. Wishing that you are put out of your misery, knowing that if the person comes back you’d be happy again. You’d forget this pain almost in an instance, well what of this pain has become familiar. Doubt creeps in, the pain wishers I’ll be back in a few months. You wonder if it’s true, is it better to love in fear or live with heartbreak? The why is a stinker, the would this happen again is a killer. Can that person promise you this will be the last time, after you’ve given your all and thought this was it. You’ve forgotten how to life was without her, without her you feeling incomplete. But the thought of one person having this much power to hurt you and they do repeatedly is haunting. You gave up everything, the lonely nights wishing she was there. The horny nights where you force yourself to sleep, the days where FaceTime isn’t enough, the days you get jealous of others and their girls. The funny part is you don’t regret anything and still hope it’s good, prayed to God over and over again. The one person you need to talk to to talk about this is the same person who ain’t talking to you. The answers to your prayer is becoming the focal point of your prayer. How does and answer become a question, pain like this should not be felt. Like that crossfade song just when I thought I was invincible you went and happened to me (great song by the way, also check out so far away, starless, cold, already gone, colors) I pray it gets better, I pray for you like I always do. I feel like I’m living the of mice & men song never giving up on you. The me who started this is not the me who is ending this post, now I feel hope. I can’t give up on you, it’s too easy to let this go. No way, writing this is like God speaking to me. You will probably never read this but to those who do never give up. I hope to give you a more happy post about this in a few days but till then God bless you and God keep you all. I hope this post will be of great encouragement to someone out there.